Unsure

又是好久没update这个blog了. First fml for fail chinese :p and the rest of the shit thats been happening.

I really dont know what I did wrong. Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I will always end up beaten, defeated, and sometimes leave myself running in circles. Its like the karma police striking me for something I did wrong in my past life. I put my faith in you, and turns out that you didnt recipocrate, albeit a little which made me really happy, but still I feel kinda neglected and pushed away.

Though don't worry, it most likely isn't just you, for that everyone seems to do the same to me in this class. When I asked if there was something wrong with me, you didnt really put a straightforward reply and continued to the next. I know you're really nice and you dont want to hurt the already sad me (lol), but this isnt what I wanted and it pains me even more to know that even one of my closest friends now cant open up to me.

I really wish that someone can just tell me whats wrong. Its been painful enough living life by myself, ostracised from the rest, and I really wanted to be a part of your conversations and whatnot. But I guess it will never be so unless I change something that makes me, my character.

The closest of friends will not hesitate to point out each other's flaws in fear of losing their friendship, and I guess that this has been a 1 sided affair so far, and you are most likely just showing sympathy to the pathetic me.

I am definitely grateful, or should I say eternally indebted to you, for tiding me over in my harshest times, and given me the glimmer of hope that I so dearly needed in my dire straits as I wallow in self demotivation. It was a feeling that grew over time, and I feel that unfortunately, it will never go any further unless I fix what is wrong with myself.

Thank you, so much, and I will try my best to find the last silver of hope that can keep our friendship alive.

Random facts:
1. Yay done with all the tutorials for chem ^.^
2. FUUUUUU PROMOS IN 3 DAYS IM SO SCREWED DESPITE THE PREV STATEMENT

Alone

Again I guess this is the only way I can get things out before I start work. Chem test tomorrow but no motivation at all :(

Well I guess this time I can say that things arent looking that well. And I'm all alone in this harsh world filled with competitive fegits that will only do things if it benefits them. How ironic was it that I wrote about this in my chinese compo last fri.

I really wonder what I've done to receive these kind of treatment from my peers. Maybe I'm quite coarse or just not good-looking, but I guess I still put in effort when you are in trouble. Im just hoping for some reciprocation, which you dont seem to provide.

I guess personal benefit strikes again yeah? I sort of knew deep inside that nobody would listen and help for they would rather take that time spent to finish up their notes on alkanes than dig out their old tutorials. Yeah I know its my own fault for not really listening in class but I really hoped that at least one of you kind souls could help me out instead of helping me only when things look favourable to you.

You show concern when I failed, but did it translate to actions when it really mattered? The answer is an obvious no, and you just seem to care about yourself and your connections with the opposite gender. I guess maybe I'm jealous, but it just goes to show alot more than it actually is.

Haiz I guess im just seeking for more close friends that will really aid me as much as I will aid them, and that as much of an introvert I am, I don't want to be alone. Friends keep me going, they really influence me to do better. I guess the current lack of such in my class has led to my detriment, and to be honest I'm really not surprised.

Another day to chem mlt, another month to promos, another year to a levels. After that, I can really decide for myself if I still wanna stick around you or find those who value the saying that friends are always there for yoy whenever you are in deep shit.

Random fact of the day:
Something's wrong zz I just shitted twice in the past 3 hours. Must be stress LOL

Quitting

First: shit the content got deleted coz stupid me didnt save it before exiting the app -.- I'll try to remember what I said though and maybe I'll say it clearer this time :)

Well and I'm still on 156 back home. It must be fate that dragged me away from the bus ride to irc and back home instead. I guess its for the better after all, just like my decision to delete dota from my laptop.

My decision to 'quit' dota was simple, to buck up on my studies and promote to j2. I guess this wake up call came from how I really messed up, no fucked up, my blocks. The only thing above U was an S for physics and chinese B (LOL never expected the day when chinese is my best subject). With chinese not being counted, all my percentiles were <15% each.... terrible ._.

I guess this will be a rather short post as I had stopped writing this 2 days ago when the bus reached clementi and I just forgot about this post and what I was thinking about then would not translate to what it is now. Maybe I'll make a continuation of this subject in the future days when I rethink this.

"Friends"

I guess I can start by saying fml? I really don't know whats going on with me right now, with the first being me being unable to fully and clearly express myself, be it on this blog or with my "friends".

"Friends" eh? Sometimes I wonder if the friends i make are really "friends". This is kind of stupid but I just checked dictionary.com for the meaning and it says "a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard". Maybe not feelings of affection but personal regard would be more applicable to me.

So what I'm really flustered about would be are they really my friends or are they just putting up a facade in front of me and talking shit behind my back. Maybe as humans we all have this 1 person we dislike but still put up a smiling face and interact with him (yes i admit i do that too) but sooner or later that person is gonna realise that its all fake and meaningless, and that's what I seem to feel with some of my friends now.

I'm not gonna lie, the feeling you get when you find yourself being ostracized sucks, and its like when people that you once thought were your best friends start turning their backs to you that you realise "oh im just a placeholder until he finds a better friend". Yeah that's what I feel is happening to me right now.

I guess maybe its just me over thinking stuff but I really can't help it, its like my 6th sense is acting up and yeah most of the time its something you know but you can't explain it. I guess sometimes I try to convince myself its not the case, but time and time again they just keep you out of stuff that you feel like that.

I won't name who, as I guess if they were really putting up a facade then its not worth remembering them whenever I read this blog. But then again, these were the peoples when you had the most fun times with when you thought they were your "real friends", and that the laugh they make when you crack a joke isnt some forced bullshit just to make you feel happy.

This may sound like a really wishy-washy matter and you can say I'm just trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. But really, I really really really hate the feeling when you find out that someone doesn't seem to treat you like a real friend, and it just makes you feel like you've never met them in the first place.

As I say all these, the same few names just keep running around in my mind, and they're all from my class. Maybe its just jc then, new environment, new gender (i guess? LOL), and new experiences. I really don't know why its like that, most of the good friends I made in high school are really good brothers and I can really tell that they do enjoy my company. Its like although we're in different classes now, the friendship is still very much the same whenever we meet, and I'm really happy to have met them. :)

I guess ending with that sweet note was a good idea LOL. I can always hope that the "friends" I have are real and I can fully depend on them as they could with me :)



P.s. Oh and maybe after every blog post I'll post something random (most likely nice/good) that happened today :D


2 things today:
Happy Birthday Gee Ping! the cake was damn nice btw :D
Wah huat $100 bucks to split with Han Long from econs tuition xD

A new start

Hiiiii

Its been a while since I started/continued blogging, about 5 years? I think and at that time it was more of for fun and such. I guess my motive for creating this blog is now much different, and not really for fun but more of consoling myself and just letting it all out.

Why am I not using my old blog then? Well I guess some things should be left untouched and this is like a new chapter of my life where I want to sort of start anew (though its almost been 9 months in jc already). Well to cut things short, things have been really troubling for me and I guess this will be the most apt place to rant without disturbing others/making others think you're damn ego.

Normally the first post is either really long or really short and I guess I'll stop here and continue my rants in the next post.


P.s. Oh yeah, since this blog will most likely be for my personal consumption, though its still public and if anyone is that much of a stalker you'll see it all, I'll be using quite alot of vulgarities, and hopefully as time passes it'll get much lesser as I start to be more rational in my decisions. :D