Unsure

又是好久没update这个blog了. First fml for fail chinese :p and the rest of the shit thats been happening.

I really dont know what I did wrong. Why is it that no matter how hard I try, I will always end up beaten, defeated, and sometimes leave myself running in circles. Its like the karma police striking me for something I did wrong in my past life. I put my faith in you, and turns out that you didnt recipocrate, albeit a little which made me really happy, but still I feel kinda neglected and pushed away.

Though don't worry, it most likely isn't just you, for that everyone seems to do the same to me in this class. When I asked if there was something wrong with me, you didnt really put a straightforward reply and continued to the next. I know you're really nice and you dont want to hurt the already sad me (lol), but this isnt what I wanted and it pains me even more to know that even one of my closest friends now cant open up to me.

I really wish that someone can just tell me whats wrong. Its been painful enough living life by myself, ostracised from the rest, and I really wanted to be a part of your conversations and whatnot. But I guess it will never be so unless I change something that makes me, my character.

The closest of friends will not hesitate to point out each other's flaws in fear of losing their friendship, and I guess that this has been a 1 sided affair so far, and you are most likely just showing sympathy to the pathetic me.

I am definitely grateful, or should I say eternally indebted to you, for tiding me over in my harshest times, and given me the glimmer of hope that I so dearly needed in my dire straits as I wallow in self demotivation. It was a feeling that grew over time, and I feel that unfortunately, it will never go any further unless I fix what is wrong with myself.

Thank you, so much, and I will try my best to find the last silver of hope that can keep our friendship alive.

Random facts:
1. Yay done with all the tutorials for chem ^.^
2. FUUUUUU PROMOS IN 3 DAYS IM SO SCREWED DESPITE THE PREV STATEMENT

Alone

Again I guess this is the only way I can get things out before I start work. Chem test tomorrow but no motivation at all :(

Well I guess this time I can say that things arent looking that well. And I'm all alone in this harsh world filled with competitive fegits that will only do things if it benefits them. How ironic was it that I wrote about this in my chinese compo last fri.

I really wonder what I've done to receive these kind of treatment from my peers. Maybe I'm quite coarse or just not good-looking, but I guess I still put in effort when you are in trouble. Im just hoping for some reciprocation, which you dont seem to provide.

I guess personal benefit strikes again yeah? I sort of knew deep inside that nobody would listen and help for they would rather take that time spent to finish up their notes on alkanes than dig out their old tutorials. Yeah I know its my own fault for not really listening in class but I really hoped that at least one of you kind souls could help me out instead of helping me only when things look favourable to you.

You show concern when I failed, but did it translate to actions when it really mattered? The answer is an obvious no, and you just seem to care about yourself and your connections with the opposite gender. I guess maybe I'm jealous, but it just goes to show alot more than it actually is.

Haiz I guess im just seeking for more close friends that will really aid me as much as I will aid them, and that as much of an introvert I am, I don't want to be alone. Friends keep me going, they really influence me to do better. I guess the current lack of such in my class has led to my detriment, and to be honest I'm really not surprised.

Another day to chem mlt, another month to promos, another year to a levels. After that, I can really decide for myself if I still wanna stick around you or find those who value the saying that friends are always there for yoy whenever you are in deep shit.

Random fact of the day:
Something's wrong zz I just shitted twice in the past 3 hours. Must be stress LOL